For a long time, I believed the happiest time of my life was when I was pregnant with Grayson. I had always wanted to be a mom, and when I finally got pregnant, I was on cloud nine. I remember feeling happy every single day of my pregnancy, loving having Grayson as my little "buddy" at the gym, on hikes, or wherever the day took us.
That's not to say Grayson didn't make my life more meaningful the moment he was born. He did, in ways I can't put into words. And there have been so many happy, irreplaceable moments in the years since. But those first few years were also extremely hard.
The other day, I was driving to pick up Grayson, listening to music, when I realized something. For years, I couldn't drive at all. My anxiety wouldn't let me. Now here I was, behind the wheel, on my way to get my son. And I felt happy. Truly happy. I realized something had happened that I never knew would happen. I'm happier now than I used to be, happier than the version of me before postpartum psychosis, two manic episodes, three long and hard recoveries, and time I missed with Grayson.
Being happier now is more complicated than it sounds. Before, my life was simpler. I was more carefree. I felt much more invincible than I do now, the way you do before you learn how quickly everything can change. I still have fears, and some days are still hard. But my life feels more meaningful now than it ever has. I get to be the mom I always dreamed of being. I love my dogs more deeply, too, after losing our sweet little min pin, Moa, years ago. I still miss her. Being scared sometimes, or having hard days, doesn't mean I can't be happier. I am.
I've finally realized how much the "little" things mean to me.
Like walking through my front door, and being greeted first by our sweet Doberman, Rosie. There's something about her consistency, and her protective yet goofy presence, that always makes me smile.
Rosie, always the first to greet me at the door. 🐾
Like Grayson, who's learning to read, joking with me the other evening, "Okay, James Peterson," mixing up the name of my favorite author, James Patterson. He's seen me with one of his books in my hands nearly every evening for over a year. His delivery was so adorable and so funny.
Like learning to install a heater for Grayson's new fish tank, and actually doing it. Myself. Then learning to change the filter cartridges, and use a siphon to clean the tank.
That feeling has been growing over time: I can rely on myself again. I can do things on my own again. After everything I've been through, that is huge for me. It feels like a second chance at life.
Somehow, through perseverance, therapy, gratitude, and getting to be Grayson's mom, Scott's wife, and someone who can take care of her household again, I've come back to myself. I don't say that to brag, and I don't take it lightly. I know what it has taken to get here, and I know how fragile life can be. So I feel extremely grateful and blessed to be where I am.
I wanted to share this because sometimes we think, I'm not as happy as I was back then, or I'm not as happy as someone else. But I've been reminded, for the second time in my life, that God is in control, and that even when you feel like giving up hope, you should never say never.
The first time was before Grayson. I had given up hope of ever becoming a mom, and then God blessed me with him. He reminded me who's in control, and to never lose hope.
Now He's reminded me again.