Trusting Yourself After Postpartum Psychosis

One of the hardest things for me to do after postpartum psychosis—and later, two manic episodes—was trust.

Trust healthcare professionals.

Trust my own mind.

Most of all, trust myself.

When you've experienced psychosis, trust doesn't disappear overnight. It shatters. Losing control of your mind is terrifying. Your own mind becomes something you no longer know whether you can trust, and there is nothing you can do until your mind begins to heal. It is almost impossible to understand unless you've lived through it.

The journey back to trusting myself wasn't quick.

It began with fear.

Deep, relentless fear.

Fear of getting sick again after recovering from postpartum psychosis.

Fear of losing my mind again.

Fear of being separated from my son. Again.

Fear of losing more time with him.

Fear of being admitted to another psychiatric hospital.

But underneath all of those fears was one that haunted me the most:

What if I lost my mind again and never got it back?

What if I never got to experience my life with my husband, my son, and my family?

For a long time, that was one of my greatest fears.

Ironically, learning to trust myself again didn't begin with trusting myself at all.

It began with learning to trust another healthcare professional.

My psychiatrist.

Then my therapist.

Those relationships slowly helped rebuild something I thought had been lost forever. They helped me work through the trauma of everything I had experienced. Somehow, each of them, in their own way, made the weight I was carrying feel lighter—not because they erased what had happened, but because they helped me believe I could survive it.

I'm profoundly grateful for both of them.

Then something happened that forced me to confront every fear I had spent years trying to outrun.

I experienced two manic episodes.

Those experiences were devastating. They were never something I wanted to repeat. But living through them taught me something I never expected.

I could survive them.

Recovery wasn't immediate. It wasn't graceful. Each time required hard work, patience, and rebuilding.

But each time I recovered.

Little by little, something changed.

I stopped believing that psychosis had permanently destroyed my ability to trust myself.

Instead, I began to realize something unexpected.

If there is one person I know I can rely on, it is myself.

Not because I can prevent every illness.

I can't.

I can't guarantee I'll never experience another manic episode.

I can't control every circumstance.

But I can take my medication.

I can protect my sleep.

I can maintain routines.

I can ask for help when I need it.

The greatest thing psychosis took from me was trust in my own mind.

One of the greatest gifts recovery gave back was trust in myself.

Those are not the same thing.

Today, I have more faith in myself than I ever thought possible.

I can't promise I'll never become ill again.

I can't control everything that happens to me.

But if I ever have to face those worst-case situations again, I know something now that I didn't know six years ago.

I know I will still have myself.

About the Author

Jordan Yuska is the author of Still His Mother, a literary memoir about postpartum psychosis, bipolar I, motherhood, and recovery that is currently seeking publication. She writes about maternal mental health, psychiatric recovery, and advocacy. Subscribe to receive future essays.